Note found in a bottle in the age of COVID-19

Note found in a bottle in the age of COVID-19

Emanuel Pastreich

I found this message scrawled on a single sheet of paper and crammed in a bottle that washed up on the coast. I present it to you for your reference exactly as I found it.

"Thanks for nothing, you citizens of that country formally known as the United States. Have a good life because now you are totally on your own.

"Sorry we had to borrow more than $2 trillion of your money in order to hold up the stock prices we had been inflating for the last five years with stock buybacks and other 'instruments.' But what can we say? We needed some time to set up untraceable offshore accounts around the world where we could transfer our loot without anyone even noticing.

"And we hope you understand that it took some time for us to quietly sell off our assets using fake front companies and other tools of the trade in a manner that did not shake things up too much. We are much obliged that you looked the other way.

"But the best part of the show was the media maelstrom that we whipped up for you over the last three weeks that has left you completely terrified.

"Are you terrified of climate change, of nuclear war, or of economic collapse? Are you staying up late worrying about the lead and the other deadly chemicals from runaway fracking that are in your drinking water? No? Excellent!

"Oh yes! You were up at nights worrying about COVID-19, or as we like to say back at the club, 'COVID 911: The controlled demolition of the global economy.' That sure was a pandemic from hell.

"Mission accomplished, and more.

"From now on, please do wear those pretty little white masks all you want, but they sure the hell are not going to protect you from the anomy coming down the pike. And feel free to message each other about those COVID19 old wives' tales that we fed to you, to your heart's content.

"It was sweet then, but now it is all completely and irreversibly over.

"We know that many of you thought that somehow something would trickle down to you. You thought that your Harvard degree meant that you too were somehow part of the party.

"Democrats? Republicans?

"There is only one party, but wow, what a hell of a party.

"We don't know how to break this to you, but the radical concentration of wealth over the last 15 years has completely rewritten the rules of the game. Now, a lawyer, doctor or professor is closer to the homeless than he or she is to us, the rich. In fact, from our altitude, we cannot tell you guys apart at all. And to be honest, we cannot afford any of that trickle down any more either. We need that cash to pay for our private security details.

"Now that we have quarantine in place and can enforce 'social distancing,' a lawyer will be the same as a telemarketer for Amazon, a doctor will provide services over the internet from the Philippines, and a professor or teacher can be replaced by a cartoon character in most cases.

"If you are unhappy with this contract we signed for you in a classified form, feel free to email your ideas to the government. We are sure that the skeleton crew left there will get back to you sometime before Hell freezes over.

"All of our actions were done for the sake of the economy, or for reasons of national security. As the great philanthropist of the 19th century J. P. Morgan once said: 'There are always two reasons: a good reason and a real reason.'

"Hugs and kisses to all you grade-A American chumps. We will be at Club Epstein (location classified).

"You have been left holding the bag. Hold your nose and keep your distance when you open it 'cause it sure don't smell too good."

(originally Korea Times, March 24, 2020)